Fearless Predictions for 2024
JANUARY: Rebooting the 1990s “Three Tenors” concerts, leading Hamas impresario, Ismail Haniyeh, stages a “Three Terrorists” world bombing tour. While ticket sales set records in college towns and blue cities, there are no repeat customers. Resident Biden holds a commanding twenty-point lead in an IPSOS poll of foreign dictators. John Effen-Kerry demands mandatory euthanasia for Americans over age 60 who don't own personal jets.
FEBRUARY: A sudden proliferation of Used Personal Jet lots revitalizes previously decaying urban areas. Biden emerges from the White House and sees his own shadow. No one cares what it means. GLAAD and PETA demand affirmative action protecting LGBGQ2FUFUBARLS/MFT pets. Attorney General Merrick Garland asserts 415,973 You Tube videos of suspense-filled, pre-dawn, armed FBI raids targeting Catholic Churches are AI fakes.
MARCH: Thirteen weeks of suspense-filled, pre-dawn, armed FBI raids targeting parents who complained at school board meetings air live on S&MSNBC. Its audience share soars to nearly detectable levels. Merrick Garland joins Joe Biden and Kamala Harris in the Federal Witless Protection Program. Acting as his own censor deputatus, Pope Francis boldly expands Catholic ecumenical outreach by personally performing an abortion on Caitlyn Jenner.
APRIL: Resident Biden appropriately delivers his “St. Easter's Day,” message on April 1st. Despite threats of immediate termination, no Disney employee attends the company's free screening of its new “Queen Kong” starring Stacey Abrams as Carl Denham and a very uncomfortable-looking Dylan Mulvaney as Ann Darrow. Disney President Bob Iger confidently predicts the attendance record will stand until the next Disney release. Cal-OSHA demands toy cars and trucks be certified 100% green. Tonka declares bankruptcy. Shoplifters overrunning cities throughout the nation unionize.
MAY: Major retailers recognize the Shoplifters Union and threaten lockouts if it doesn't strike. The Department of Energy requires all power to be locally sourced and bans interstate wind. Letitia James adds 567 new felonies to Trump's indictment, including “premeditated tailgating,” “malicious exhalation in a hospital zone,” and “conspiracy to litter.” Quinnipiac polling shows Biden maintaining a slim lead among his family members.
JUNE: After a flood of Amazon Prime subscribers' complaints about being inundated by unordered, shoddy merchandise, the SEC reveals the company changed its name last year to Spamazon. Apple announces its new iCan't app, a subscription service designed specifically to attract Microsoft enthusiasts. It does nothing … badly. California's Governor Nuisance formally cedes state law enforcement to China.
JULY: California's crime rate plummets. A record number of fringe candidates, including Robert F. Kennedy, Jr., Marianne Williamson, and Cornel West vie for the coveted third party designation. The CDC strongly advises quadrupling salt production so consumers will have enough to take with 2024 campaign ads. Burpee's Seed Catalogue proudly introduces the first trans-plant.
AUGUST: Iran's official U.S. representative, John Effen-Kerry, wins the Tides Foundation's prestigious “Pestilence Award” for his tireless efforts to end human habitation on earth. The reason for Biden's basement-only 2024 campaign strategy is revealed: he died in May, but no one noticed. His lead increases among likely forensic pathologists. His campaign continues from a flag-draped coffin in the Capitol Rotunda.
SEPTEMBER: Thousands of Twitter/X users and TV commentators defend Resident Biden with eerily similar statements asserting “no one really knows what the 25th Amendment means.” Council of Economic Advisors chairman Jared Bernstein declares the U.S. economy is the best of all possible economies, and maintains a straight face while characterizing inflation as “a social construct.”
OCTOBER: Microsoft introduces its digital Snoopy-ScooperTM app. Subscribers must scroll through 5,615 pedigreed and common mixed-breeds, and select settings for target density, size, and color, with color accuracy to within .6nm. The estate of Charles Schulz sues Microsoft for an unbelievably ridiculous product and plagiarism. Harvard President Claudine Gay defends Microsoft. New York reviewers for the Boomer-themed “Metamucil the Musical!” agree -- Broadway is in the toilet.
NOVEMBER: Bernie Sanders demands “diverse, equitable, and inclusive redistribution of electoral votes.” All challenger's leads vanish after a mysterious 3 a.m. voting surge hands the late Resident Biden stunning victories in all fifty states, plus Ukraine, China, and Iran. Bernie Sanders drops his redistribution demand. Kamala Harris names the more than usually incapacitated Biden “White House Thanksgiving turkey” and pardons him.
DECEMBER: General Motors announces an exclusive line of wind-powered automobiles capable of speeds up to 60 mph. Each comes equipped with an on-board politician. As equipment and munitions stockpiles dwindle, and an aggressive pronoun research and development program replaces combat training, the Pentagon establishes the Bureau of Humiliation. Polling shows 82% of Americans are already too humiliated to face 2025.